Perceived and Posted by Jerry Schwartz
Wasted on the young? Mark Twain had it wrong. Youth is wasted on the old.
Anyone under a certain age knows exactly how to use their youth. Whether sex, drugs or rock ‘n roll, what better time to enjoy life? This is especially true when you are not raising children, paying a mortgage or holding a job. Testosterone, crime and hearing decline as the years increase.
The real problem is attitudinal, not chronological. For some reason, we want numbers on young and old, but there are no numbers. Wikipedia does not say we are young until the age of 30 and then suddenly we are old. The bible doesn’t either, but with Moses living until 700 everyone else seems, well, child-like. Then again, in the 1960s everybody over 30 was old and untrustworthy. The Beatles sang about reaching 64.
My daughter once called me immature when I was about 50. I thanked her for the compliment. An old friend -– or should I say, long-time friend? -– seemed ancient when he was 20. And he was . . . errr, cantankerous, a trait we associate with the elderly. My grandfather seemed old when he was my age now. My father passed away at 58 -- way too young.
And that is sort of the point. We define age relatively. We compare, analyze and evaluate character traits and measure them against time, physical appearance, or expectations. In the most common examples, he acts like a two-year-old, she dresses like a teenager, she’s prematurely gray, or he walks like an old man.
Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner aside, throughout most of history, people died young compared to today. If a sabre-tooth tiger didn’t get you, pneumonia or some other enemy did. Middle age in the middle ages was probably 25. In the post-industrial period of the mid-20th century, middle age was 45, which was not true -- dying at 90 was not common. Today it is (see my previous blog on the subject). Incredibly, Ponce de Leon was only in his late 30s when he went looking for the Fountain of Youth.
Tales of a Fountain of Youth have existed for thousands of years. Alexander the Great went searching for it in his 20s, 300 years before Christ, but died at age 32 without finding it. Still others continue to pursue it through cosmetic exploration, a nip here and a tuck there. Liposuctions and face peels are near record levels. Hair dye sells by the barrel. Teeth and hair implants are implanted in our psyche as common as tonsillectomies were a generation ago.
Given that at 60 you may have as many adult years ahead as you have behind (no?), the thought of staying, feeling and looking good for that long is daunting. Brightly colored walkers and designer drip bags are not going to do it. Dating unthinkably younger people isn’t, either, no matter what your friends think.
Every article written about not-so baby boomers these days, as the first turn 65 next year, highlights longevity. A recent Wall Street Journal story on the “Health & Wellness” page said, “If you are fit in mid-life, you double your chances of surviving to 85.” That age group is now the fastest growing segment of the population. A recent similar New York Times story, on the “Personal Health” page, referred to the obvious health and wellness benefits of exercise. Look at all the ads to stop hair loss and weight gain, zap lines and spots or brighten smiles and outlooks. People are buying this.
And the list goes on, to include menopause, muscle tone, diseases and divorces. Aging is a huge industry. There are countless philosophers, articles, books, speeches, expos, courses, products and services. Eldercare and elderlaw are hot new fields. We will live so long, no one will retire for fear of outlasting our savings. As a result, in 20 years, the afterlife will go from an after thought to an after tax matter, too.
And, oh, the vanity of it all. Aging boomers, trying to stay or act young, have made orthopedists wealthy, repairing worn knees, dislocated shoulders and crooked backs. Arthroscopic surgery is the new cocktail party conversation. The three little scars are badges of courage.
Ever wonder why the wearer doesn’t see the fake hairpiece, the badly capped teeth, the asymmetric nose. . . let alone the ugly tie or too-bold plaid? We see what we want to see. Mirror, mirror on the wall, the truth be told, what’s not so fair after all. Actually, the secret to eternal youth is looking right back at you. Problem is most of us detest detection of our complexion upon inspection in our reflection. Love is blind.
So, for all would-be Dorian Greys out there, some things really work. Informal research has turned up a few non-surgical non-cosmetic solutions to aging. If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, then behold —
• How do you dress, frumpy? Still wearing old clothes because they’re still too good to throw out? At the same time, avoid hand-me-ups from your children
• How do you carry yourself? Ever notice how old people often let their bodies just droop? Posture counts for a lot. Stand straight, shoulders back, head up. Unless there’s a physical reason why you can’t.
• How do you eat? Assuming you are not on a diet for medical reasons, is everything baked and dry, or poached and unimaginative? You are what you eat. And no early bird specials and no drooling.
• How do you speak? Waaay tooo sloooow? In monoootones? Mumble much? If you are not outright boring by nature, practice speaking clearly and firmly. Modulate. Enunciate. And smile.
• What do you speak about? Pains and illnesses? The grandchildren? Life the way it used to be before iPods. Work at staying current. It’s called news because it’s the plural of new. Practice on shallow people at cocktail parties.
• Where do you live and hang out, where old people go? Are you excited by Pinochle or Canasta? Mahjong is hot, again, kids.
Honestly, we make ourselves old, then we complain about it. For some reason, between 45 and 55, we balance half glasses on our nose tips, sprout facial hair, pull our pants up high and start driving Buicks. The alternative is not pierced ears and ponytails on grandpa, but something in between.
And that’s kinda where most of us are, not in the middle but in between. We are “tweensters.” As Life magazine used to say, referring to its competition, Look magazine, “Consider the alternative.”
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